How Hidden Trauma Shapes Your Parenting and Your Business (with Dr. Bryan Post)

0:01 Being great at what you do doesn't automatically make you great at business. The skills that got you here won't get you there. This is Path to Mastery, the raw and real business podcast for service-based entrepreneurs, consultants, and practitioners ready to stop chasing tactics and start building foundations that scale. Hosted by Ryan Lang and Brooke Bishop, co-founders of Empire Partners. Let's dive in. Welcome back to the Path to Mastery podcast. I'm your host, Ryan Lang, CEO and co-founder of Empire Partners. And in Scottsdale today, recording on site, my man, Brian Post. Good to see you, brother. Hey, thanks for having me, Ryan.

0:42 And I'm really excited for this talk because I think there's so many... We talked about this before the episode. We are definitely a state before strategy environment at Empire and with the podcast. And I think there are so many internal things that we're going to get a chance to kind of discuss today that I think will really be powerful for folks. But I want to kind of start here, man. I'm curious for you. You've done, I mean, you've written 14 plus books. You've founded businesses, nonprofits, you know, speaker internationally all over the world. What do you feel like is one of the things, one of the most common things that you find holds people back later in life, whether it is a simple moment, whether it is a traumatic experience, How are we getting stuck later on?

1:43 I think later on what happens is we enter into certain life circumstances that create stressors we were not expecting. And those stressors we were not expecting trigger our state and with our state within our state. It's where all our trauma is stored. So then all the blueprints, all the experiences, all the traumas you may have gone through that you didn't have an opportunity to express, process, and understand have the ability to get stirred up. And then when they get stirred up, that's all very unconscious energy. So then that unconscious energy starts creating those barriers that we don't know where they're coming from.

2:31 The life that we truly have not looked at deeply and intimately and authentically, it's that life that comes back. And I'm going to say this. Stephen Covey says this. He says, upset feelings never die. They're buried alive and come back as something uglier. I love the way you talk about that as if it's something that just hasn't been explored yet. Yeah. And it's disarming, really, the way that you talk about it. I'm curious, speaking of which, you studied kind of more traditionally initially, but then kind of blazed your own path.

3:16 I'm curious, what was it about what you were studying or perhaps it was something that you learned that kind of turned you in a slightly different direction in terms of how you approach this? You know, I've always been a non-traditional person in a traditional kind of world and structure. So that structure never fit for me anyway. I was very fortunate to have mentors at early stages in my career from my bachelor's degree, my master's degree through my Ph.D. I had mentors that were all irreverent. It was very reaffirming to me and my personality to have mentors who also didn't just follow status quo. And so that probably made the biggest difference. And then because of my early wiring, my foster care, my adoption, I have never been one who just follows the rules because people say these are the rules.

4:05 I've always had problems with authority right out of graduate school. I had seven different jobs within six months. And then I realized, I'm like, look, I can't work for other people. I got to work for myself. And so I was able to start my own business. But very early in my career, I studied with a psychiatrist. Her name is Martha Welch. She was very, very popular at that time. And she introduced me to a way of looking at the emotional reality of who we are. that I had never had that experience before. And traditional school doesn't even come close to our emotional being. Traditional education is all about cognitive. It's all about rationalizing.

4:46 It's all about not touching. It's all about non-relation. And she was the exact opposite. And that really set me on a path to, And so I went down that path with her for several years, studied intensely, traveled all over the country, working with families. And then finally one day came and I realized the limitations of that training. And we had a situation where I went out on my own and continued to study, continued to grow, continued to reflect. And I was fortunate to have the ability to reflect from my own childhood experiences. So I have lived experience experience. in addition to all of the experience I have in working with families, And I was also fortunate because it was the decade of the brain.

5:32 It was the 90s, the late 90s, and all the great classic stuff. I mean, the decade of the brain is going to be just like the internet was and just like AI is now. It's going to be a pivotal time in humanity. And I was very fortunate to have the opportunity to study and be mentored by luminaries. I love that. And I love the word irreverence is something, I mean, makes sense. Entrepreneur starting businesses, creator, um, you know, can't work for other people. Uh, I get, I love that. I'm curious for you. I want to ask this question.

6:13 So many of the people that listen to the show are business owners, entrepreneurs, even a solopreneur practitioner, you know, um, um, But nonetheless, they were crazy enough to, you know, decide to go do something on their own. For you, did you find that there was kind of a friction there for a while when you had those seven jobs after grad school that got removed when you finally went, wait a minute, I've been told this is the path. This is not the path for me. Well, I started out when I was six years old as an entrepreneur. So I was an entrepreneur early in my life.

6:54 And then I got involved in football. And so football took over my entrepreneurial spirit. And so I lost my way from entrepreneurship. And when I was 25 years old, one of my mentors from my graduate school program, I was telling him I was working in an intensive career. intensive in-home environment in a little town in Oklahoma, Ardmore, Oklahoma. And I was telling him what I was doing. And he said, well, you could do that for yourself. And at first I was like, ah, yeah, no, yeah, yeah. And so we went on. I spent the weekend with him and his family. I was driving home from Dallas to Oklahoma on a Sunday. And I was thinking about mulling over what he said.

7:36 And I realized that. I can do that. It's like all of a sudden that entrepreneurial part of me just turned back on. It was never my path to work for someone else. And so the friction was natural friction. That is just the natural discomfort that you have to go through for the growth that you have to go through to get to where you need to get to. And so when I had that realization, it was a light bulb moment. I picked up the phone. I called him. I said, I can do it. The next week we started working. I started putting together the pieces to start my own business. So I started my own business. I'm 53 now. I started it when I was 25. Haven't worked for anyone since. I love that, man. I want to ask you a question about something you just said.

8:18 You talked about the natural discomfort. And I think for many of us as human beings, we feel discomfort of any kind and we go, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, this must be bad. You know, how do we learn to lean into? Oh, yeah. That's an excellent question. And I don't know that I have a good answer for that. It's not even a learning. It is an accepting that if I am to grow, discomfort is... the natural part of that game. It's no different than if you're growing physically. It's no different if you're growing in your business. It's no different if you want to be better in your marriage or if you want to be a better parent, you're going to have to move outside of what is comfortable into the uncomfortable.

9:06 And so discomfort just becomes a part of it. Now, what makes a really successful entrepreneur versus someone who's not as successful or someone who quits? is the speed in which you're able to embrace the discomfort. When you can embrace the discomfort as a part of the process, I think Alex Hormose says, this is what hard is. So when you can get to that place and you just are willing to keep banging up against that, I think that's when you really step into the next level of where you want to go. This kind of brings me to a question that I've wanted to ask you since, you know, we kind of set this interview up.

9:50 And if we go through anything traumatic of any kind earlier in our lives, um, I believe, and you tell me if you think I'm wrong on this, but I believe that if we're able to become aware that there's a moment where we either choose for that traumatic moment to be an anchor for us in who we are, in our identity, and we carry that moving forward and we just claim that, or it becomes a launch pad for who we're meant to become. I'm curious if you agree with that, disagree with that. And either way, you know, what's kind of the way that we start to shine a light on that so that we can kind of unlock ourselves?

10:37 Well, I do agree with it. However, I will say that there's not a definitive moment because I believe it could be a process of evolution. It could be a process of growth where you can have a trauma. You could have a trauma early in your life that you're no longer even consciously aware of. Sure. And so people have those experiences all the time, or they're consciously aware of them and they just suppress them. They just bury them. It's too painful to look at. In our society, we are immune to emotion, but in order to get to trauma, you got to go through the path of emotion. So you can't get to trauma otherwise. And so you can have that, that defining event in your life, and then you can have an awareness of it.

11:20 And then it may take time for you to grow in the courage of, of being able to confront the ongoing awareness of the source of pain. And then when you're able to do that, yes, you do begin transforming because you do have the choice to say, I'm either going to be victim to this or I am going to use this for my own growth and my own becoming. And I think that that's the real thing. distinction between living a life of being victimized versus living a life of being responsible. And then we can move forward from there.

12:00 Powerful, man. You have done so much work with kids, with families. And, you know, we look at the we look at entrepreneurship from a very holistic standpoint. And many of our clients, many of the people watching this show are parents. And I'd love to talk about that for a minute in the context of entrepreneurship, because, you know, it's one thing to be crazy enough to go off and do your own thing and solve problems that other people aren't solving and all of this, you know, all of the things. It's a whole nother thing to do it when you have a family. And I'm curious.

12:40 Yeah. What are some of the things that you would tell an entrepreneur that is watching right now and thinking to themselves, man, I know I want to do well for my family. I know that I have a passion for building a business that I have, but I'm not sure how I do both at the same time without one of them suffering. That's an excellent question. And I believe that that starts with a really honest conversation, first with one's spouse or one's partner or one's family.

13:21 Mm-hmm. And then you define, you define, this is a longing that I'm having. And this is something I really want to do. But I'm really also worried because what we're really talking about is fear. We're talking about the fear, the unconscious fear that arrests you and that holds you back from doing something you could be passionate about. And so then when you start speaking that to your family and to your loved ones, and not always to your loved ones, but maybe to your partner, to your spouse. Yeah. You start sharing that. Then you can start honoring that fear that's coming up. And then being really honest with what your goals are. I think not enough people really define what their goals are in life.

14:05 And that can make so much of a difference. Because a lot of times entrepreneurs, you know, in our addictive hallucinations, we're always saying, oh, I want to make $100 million. I want to have a billion dollars. But what does that really mean? in the context of what your goals are for your life. You know, if the goals for your life are, you want to build an orphanage, you want to donate to your church, you want to sponsor the football team, you want to be a beacon of light for your community and your family wants to take trips and you want to have a nice home and you want to take big family trips, that's not $100 million. You're going to do that with $10 million. You're going to do that with $20 million max.

14:46 So then that changes everything how much energy you're sowing into something. And so then when you can get really real about what your goals are, then you can start to say, okay, what's the trajectory? What's my strategy? Because it is okay to work a business and start a business. Robert Kiyosaki always says, mind your business. He said, you could be working your main business, which is what pays the bills, but then you have I have a whole lot of time that you're Netflixing and, and that you're hanging out with friends. I mean, there's so much time that we're not maximizing. There's those early morning hours that we're not maximizing that we could be because truly I, my business, and I have several.

15:33 I could spend really four solid hours a day if I'm really dialed in, if I'm really focused, and I get so much done. So I think if people just really have those hard conversations, and they're just really honest about what their goals are and their fear, just honor your fear and ask yourself, what is the worst that could happen? And a lot of times the worst that can happen in our brainstem and our state level memory is that we're going to die. You're not going to die. No one's going to die. It's okay to go take those risks. And it's okay also to be really strategic and to have a plan. Do you think that there is value and power in sharing your fear as a parent with your child?

16:18 100 percent because and this just came up in a conversation I had with someone. Oh, it was with the Uber driver on the way here. He said he's been in 15 foster placements and he said, I've never told my daughter. And he went on to become a super successful businessman. He said, I've never told my three daughters about my life, about my early life. And he said, it's starting to come out and they're starting here little bits and pieces. your fears and your struggles and who you are. Number one, you are holding back their ability to have a deeper understanding for who you are as a person.

16:59 And along with that understanding comes a deeper appreciation and a deeper respect. But also what you're doing is you're not giving them the opportunity when we don't express, when I don't say, Ryan, I feel really scared about that. When I don't say that to you, I will start behaving from that fear-based energy. And when I start behaving from that fear-based energy, the way we're wired as a species is that you're going to start to tune into that energy, that fear-based energy. It's going to start to make you feel scared. And then you're going to start to question yourself. You're going to start to think it's about you. And so I'm holding that back when I don't say...

17:39 I feel scared. Now, I'm also not saying using my fear as a way to manipulate you. Well, that's really scary, Ryan, and you should really think about it. That's not about you. That's about me, and we do that a lot as parents. Oh my goodness. That is such a good distinction. And by the way, I want to honor you because I love your choice of words. You said, I feel scared. I noticed somewhere in there, there was no I am. That's one for me that's really big. No, it's not. Your feelings, your emotions are not you. You feel it. You experience it. I love the way that you explain that.

18:20 And I think that's a beautiful way. Do you think that by doing that, I know that for me as a parent, I have two girls. And one of the things that I'm always thinking about is just what, what can I know I've, I've given up on perfection. God help me. But I just think how, what are things that I can learn to do and, and help them teach them, make it just a little bit easier for them at minimum to be truly connected with their thoughts, their feelings, their state of being, you know, things of that nature. Um, What are some things that you just gave me a good example, but what are some of the other things that you find are helpful for us as parents to help our kids do that?

19:01 Oh man, I love that question. And, and first of all, to go back to what you said about words, I feel like words are so important because words are vibrations and words take on their own reality. And sometimes we use words that are not accurate to the true meaning of the word. So I think that it's important for us to be mindful of the words that we use. But to go back to your question about what are some things that you can do as a parent, the first is to model. Children learn from modeling. As parents, we so much want to do the thing. But what we don't realize is that when we're trying to do the thing or trying to show the thing, we're not tapped into our state level of memory.

19:47 And when we're not tapped into our state level, then the energy of the thing that we're trying to do can get all skewed. It can be all overwhelming. It can be suppressive. It can be controlling. So we have to slow down. We have to learn to breathe. We have to learn to be present. And then you model. And then when you calm your state, the strategies become so less important because it is your state that is creating the whole message. It's the whole message. And if parents can just do that, slow down, breathe, and then soften, and then create a little bit of separation, a little bit of space between what I want for my child versus what is my child's path for themself.

20:44 it can make so much of a difference. There's a, there, there seems to be a bit of surrender in that as a parent. Um, how do we, uh, how do we learn to surrender better as parents? Because I think that there's, especially when we care deeply, there is that death grip that we want to have on just controlling the path. How do we learn to surrender? You say care deeply and death grip. Oh, Oh, Those are two powerful words, and I want to reflect on both of them because surrender is such a big word.

21:28 You surrender, you care deeply, death grip, and it all comes down to one core statement that I love to reflect to myself, and it's, I'm not going to die. I'm not going to die. I'm not going to die. We're all going to die. But in this moment, there's a 99.9% chance I'm not going to die. And when we get stressed, this is probably one of my favorite scientific quotes, comes from Joseph Ledeau. He's a New York university neuroscientist wrote book called the emotional brain. I've been quoting this guy for 20 freaking years. He should be, I probably sold more books than Simon and Schuster has for him in times of stress.

22:12 Our thinking becomes confused and distorted and our short term memory is suppressed. So the moment we become stressed, our thinking is no longer online. It goes offline. Okay. And our short-term memory shuts down. So when we become anxious and worried and stressed, we're not thinking clearly. And then our short-term memory leads us to believe that because our brainstem gets activated, that we're going to die. Calm yourself down. Reflect that you're not going to die. Everything's going to be okay. You don't have to teach all the lessons in this five minutes or in this day. Model for your children what it means to really be able to show up and be present and be solid and be strong.

22:59 When we are breathing, we are connected to life. When you are breathing, you are connected to consciousness. When you're breathing, you're connected to love. And love is the most powerful healing force that exists. So if you want to guide your children, then breathe and get present and slow down. I love this. And to me, that takes some moniker anyway of courage, which with the last couple minutes that we have here, I want to talk for just a second about the retreats that you do with high achievers. Tell us about that. So it's Courage IQ and Courage IQ is...

23:42 My offering to the successful man community, which I love to be a part of because as a hard pressing entrepreneur for almost 30 years, I mean, it's just been it's been a great thing for me. But I also know that that comes at the sacrifice of. of our loved ones comes the sacrifice of our children and it comes from the sacrifice of ourselves. And so courage IQ is for the high achieving man who's already climbed the first mountain of financial success and then finds himself at the second mountain of meaning and, and legacy and emotional connection, but they don't know how to do it because it's tapping into blueprints that they learned long ago.

24:30 And those blueprints they utilize for all that financial success. So the blueprints for financial success and the blueprints for emotional connection are not the same. And so it is a different experience when now it's time to slow down and get present. When you've spent sometimes 20 hours a day, seven days a week, not being present because you've been focused on how to create financial security for my family and for my children and for my grandchildren. And so now slowing down and getting present is a completely different part of the brain and it's more connected to the heart. So Courage IQ, two and a half days, intensive emotional connection and deepening our awareness and.

25:12 and growing into and through the traumas that we've been afflicted with, that we've never had the space with men to be able to heal through, to completely transform you and bring you out a different man ready to tackle that second mountain. Brother, I want to honor you for the work that you do with parents, children, families, as an entrepreneur. I just, I love you as a person. I love the work that you've done. And we got to do this again for sure, because I feel like there's, we can go so much deeper. If people are interested in Courage IQ, or if they just want to connect with you, where is a good place for them to reach out? Probably Instagram, Brian Post Official, Brian with a Y, or Courage IQ.

25:55 You can find either of those on Instagram. Very good. Brian, thank you, man. I appreciate you being here. Thank you, Brian. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Path to Mastery podcast. Until next time, take care. Thanks for listening to the Path to Mastery podcast. If you got value from this, leave us a review and subscribe so that you never miss a single episode. And if you know another entrepreneur who needs to hear this, do us a solid and send it their way. We'll catch you next time on the Path to Mastery podcast.